Feeling Feelings

In the past year I’ve been doing a lot of work on some personal issues. Those things that nobody usually sees but that affects you daily, and when not addressed can send you spiraling into some dark spaces. One of those things has been dealing with my emotions. I have for a long time been very detached emotionally. As a kid I developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms to get away from unwanted feelings. At first it was just the bad feelings I was avoiding, sadness, anger, grief, loneliness. But eventually it spread over into other emotions until I couldn’t even recognize what emotion I was feeling when I had one. So then came a long period of my life where I was very numb and apathetic. I didn’t want to feel any emotions, just the chemical relief in my brain from acting out. When I got into recovery for this and started facing my emotions, it was very intense. I had to think hard about what I was actually feeling and by giving it that much attention it felt stronger than normal. Plus, these feelings seemed to be coming at all times. Like a floodgate had been opened and all that had built up behind it was rushing out. It’s taken a while but I seem to have gotten back to a more natural flow of emotions. And I’m recognizing them and allowing myself to feel them and move on. This became very apparent a couple of weeks ago when a dear friend passed away. I can remember feeling sad and crying when my dad passed away about 10 years ago but not when my grandpa died a few years later and not when other non-relatives died. Like I said, I was numb to those feelings. But this time, after I heard my friend had died, I recognized the grief and while I was at church, where I feel very safe, I let myself weep. I was honored to get to be a part of the memorial service and I again allowed myself to grieve there with others. I’m not sure why I was afraid of those feelings for so long. I had them and survived. In fact, having those feelings and sharing them with others was an amazing experience. There was some great comforting going on between his family and friends that brought us closer together. Which I think is a fitting testament to his memory since he was such a loving person who always brought people together with his music, smile, and laughter. I’m not at all done with this work but I have received a ton of healing already and I’m so grateful for it.