My pastor’s sermon last Sunday was on the beatitudes. But it wasn’t the traditional message of how to be meek or merciful or a peacemaker so that we can attain those coveted blessings of see God or inheriting the earth. In fact, the extremely familiar words, “blessed are”, that proceeds each of Jesus’ promises are often misunderstand. Blessed, here, does not mean you get to receive a blessing, like a favor or some good thing. Blessedness refers to closeness to God. We are blessed when God is close. And Jesus is describing the kinds of people that God is close to. Those meek, hungry, poor in spirit, that’s where God is, pouring out love and compassion.
The Pastor told a story of a fox in the church’s neighborhood who got injured and had taken shelter in the crawlspace underneath the church sanctuary. He said when he first heard the news, his thought was “what a tragedy”. Isn’t that usually our natural response to bad news? “How terrible”, “What a tragedy”, “Poor thing”. We’re quick to offer pity but not much else. But the person who called with the news asked a questions that we should all ask when we hear someone is suffering. Well, she asked if she should get dog food or cat food for the fox, but the root of her question was compassion. How can we help this suffering creature?
I’ve been going to the San Antonio Mennonite Church for about five years now, and in the past two years I’ve gone through a lot of difficult things and endured much pain. Sunday, as Pastor John was telling the story of the fox, I couldn’t help but see the similarities to my story. I have experienced great amount of compassion from this church. Some in very practical ways, like being provided a meal or financial relief. But also in very deep, soul impacting ways like being seen and heard and then comforted and encouraged. Like Pastor Dianne investing in me and teaching me how to hold these painful feelings and how to let go of the parts that are unhealthy or damaging. Like Pastor John being completely honest with me in a loving and non-judgmental way, and by not avoiding difficult or uncomfortable conversations with me. And so much overwhelming love and support given by so many others in the church. Sometimes people comment that they don’t know how I keep from falling apart, or ask how I find the strength to keep it together. The answer is, because they are all holding me together in their arms and lifting me up to God.
I am so grateful for this church family and community. This is where I am blessed, where God is close.
Feeling Feelings
In the past year I’ve been doing a lot of work on some personal issues. Those things that nobody usually sees but that affects you daily, and when not addressed can send you spiraling into some dark spaces. One of those things has been dealing with my emotions. I have for a long time been very detached emotionally. As a kid I developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms to get away from unwanted feelings. At first it was just the bad feelings I was avoiding, sadness, anger, grief, loneliness. But eventually it spread over into other emotions until I couldn’t even recognize what emotion I was feeling when I had one. So then came a long period of my life where I was very numb and apathetic. I didn’t want to feel any emotions, just the chemical relief in my brain from acting out. When I got into recovery for this and started facing my emotions, it was very intense. I had to think hard about what I was actually feeling and by giving it that much attention it felt stronger than normal. Plus, these feelings seemed to be coming at all times. Like a floodgate had been opened and all that had built up behind it was rushing out. It’s taken a while but I seem to have gotten back to a more natural flow of emotions. And I’m recognizing them and allowing myself to feel them and move on. This became very apparent a couple of weeks ago when a dear friend passed away. I can remember feeling sad and crying when my dad passed away about 10 years ago but not when my grandpa died a few years later and not when other non-relatives died. Like I said, I was numb to those feelings. But this time, after I heard my friend had died, I recognized the grief and while I was at church, where I feel very safe, I let myself weep. I was honored to get to be a part of the memorial service and I again allowed myself to grieve there with others. I’m not sure why I was afraid of those feelings for so long. I had them and survived. In fact, having those feelings and sharing them with others was an amazing experience. There was some great comforting going on between his family and friends that brought us closer together. Which I think is a fitting testament to his memory since he was such a loving person who always brought people together with his music, smile, and laughter. I’m not at all done with this work but I have received a ton of healing already and I’m so grateful for it.
Batman Xavier Cat-Woman
You’ll notice there are no commas in the title. That’s because it’s not the names of three different superheroes, it’s the full name of one very special superhero. That is Siloam’s creation, because being just Batman or just Cat-Women isn’t enough. And anyway, who says you can’t mix superheroes. And if someone does say it, who cares.
One of the things I really like about Siloam is that he doesn’t seem to acknowledge limitations, anything is possible. And that is exactly what I want my kids to believe. Some of you may have recently seen a photo of Siloam wearing a dress and been confused. The simple answer is that I let Siloam express himself however he wants. The long answer is more complicated but eventually lands at the same place.
I get irritated with the labeling that goes on in our society. I don’t know why everyone is so quick to attach one to themselves, maybe it’s to feel like they belong to something. But in my opinion all it does is further segregate us. In this situation it’s gender and gender roles. Chinese students often have trouble with English pronouns. That’s because in Chinese there is just one word, “ta”. Some people have been confused about Siloam wearing a dress but to me it’s just clothes. In our culture, girls aren’t told they can’t wear “boy” clothes. I can’t actually think of one thing that girls are told they can’t wear. And why is that? Because we want to teach our girls that they can be anything they want. But why do they have to be taught that? Women are often admired for doing something usually done by men and praised for showing strength or power. But those aren’t traits exclusive to men. Why are girls told it’s a sign of strength to do “manly” things and boys told it’s a sign of weakness to do “girly” things. One isn’t better than the other. And their characteristics shouldn’t be mutually exclusive. “Girly man” or “Tomboy” shouldn’t be the exceptions to the rule. I think the healthiest thing is to have a balance.
If you are lucky enough to get to spend time with my kids you may hear Siloam’s brother or sisters using she/her instead of he/him. I ask you to please not make a big deal of it. Siloam likes to explore and experience all kinds of things. And sometimes he wants to know what it’s like to be a girl. In those times, if you are having trouble using the pronouns she/her then I suggest just saying Siloam.
If you still have questions or comments about this, please contact me directly. I prefer not to use the comments section or social media to discuss this. Thanks.
Promises
I wrote a song inspired by my journey and growth over the past two years. I wrote the music probably 15 years ago but was never able to put lyrics to it until now. Over the last two years I’ve been working on being aware of and regulating my emotions. I had become detached from and ignored them which caused me to be very numb and not able to recognize even the good emotions. Now with this new awareness I was able to put into words how I have felt as God’s presence was made known to me and how it helped guide, comfort, and heal me. This Sunday (4/18/2021) I was asked to share this with my church as the sermon was about how God is always with us and is like a parent who supports, loves, and helps us. You can watch the entire sermon at the San Antonio Mennonite Church Facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/samennonite
There are Three Sides to Every Story
As we near Easter I hear the Easter story everywhere. In church, in my devotions, on the radio, etc. This is a story I am very familiar with. Growing up in a Christian home I heard it dozens of times every year. I even taught it in all my English classes while I was teaching abroad. Like many great stories it is one of good vs evil with a hero and villains. But recently I have started to look at it differently. Most of my life Satan has been appointed as the villain, and his minions include the Pharisees, Judas, and the mob crying “crucify him”. Now, Satan is certainly a major villain in the story as a whole. I mean, he rebelled against God and took a third of heaven with him. He deceived Eve in the garden leading to sin entering the world. And he does whatever he can to draw us away from God. But in the Easter story, Christ’s sacrifice is what defeated sin and death and redeemed us to a right relationship with God. That doesn’t sound like something Satan would have wanted it. Over the years I’ve heard songs and seen movies depicting Satan as a kind of puppet master orchestrating Jesus’ arrest and crucifixion. And then he’s surprised when Jesus is raised from the dead. But that just doesn’t make sense to me. I would think that he probably knew what was going on and wasn’t happy about it.
And then there is Judas. There’s no question that what he did was wrong. Going behind Jesus’ back. Taking payment for betraying Jesus. And Jesus himself said it would have been better if he were never born. We also know that he had some major character defects because he was in charge of the money and would often steal from it. But consider this, what if he thought he was doing the right thing. I’m sure in the beginning he was excited about being called to follow Jesus and witness the miraculous things he was doing. But Jesus had become quite the rebel, a liberal upstart even. He was continuously going up against the leaders and the Law. Maybe Judas thought Jesus had just gone too far and needed to be stopped before people started getting hurt. I have seen people go to great lengths based on a lie that they genuinely believed to be right. They bought into something and their conscience couldn’t help but act upon it. I’m not quite convinced that Judas could have sat there as Jesus washed his feet if he didn’t think what he was about to do was right. Maybe he didn’t even think it would go as far as it did. God’s plan would have gone on with or without a traitor, so it would have been better if Judas was never born because now he is forever known as the betrayer of Jesus.
So, is there a point to this? Not really. Maybe just that sometimes the terrible things that happen have a righteous purpose and we’ll be better off after going through it. And that if someone you love hurts you maybe it’s because they are suffering and began to believe a lie. A person trapped in trauma can’t be expected to be able to see clearly. Let’s pray for their healing and receive healing from the hurt we’ve experienced.
Peace!
The Journey We’re On
The other day I did an activity in one of the small groups I participate in at church. The instructions were to draw a circle with a path going both forward from it and backward. The circle represented the present and the path was the past and future. We filled the circle with the names of people who support us and then added places, people, and events that were significant along the “past” part of the path. We also added obstacles to represent hardships or struggles that we went through. The “future” path was for showing our hopes and dreams. I didn’t get to finish the activity but working on it really got me thinking. I tend to live mostly in the present, not thinking back much on the past and hardly ever thinking about the future. But I found that thinking about my past made me appreciate how far I’ve come and see how the trials and obstacles I overcame (with God’s help) have made me stronger. God gave me the strength when I needed it and then that strength stayed with me. I also realized that looking ahead can be good to. Not so you will worry about what might happen but to make sure your on the path that leads to God. If you don’t look up sometimes you might run into something or veer off the path.
This activity also got me thinking about how grateful I am to be where I am and to remember all of my prayers that have been answered. Then I thought about all of the things I never had to pray for and that made me even more grateful. Like the scripture says, “for your Father knows exactly what you need even before you ask him” (Matthew 6:8). Just like the lilies and sparrows are provided for, how much more will God provide for us children. And when you count your blessings you quickly see how much they outnumber your needs.
An Apology
I’ve never thought of myself as a selfish person. I mean, sure sometimes I keep chocolates hidden from the kids or veto their movie requests cause I don’t want to watch Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse for a the hundredth time. But generally speaking I thought that I usually put others before myself. Well, I was kind of surprised when I found myself passing off my responsibility at my job onto someone else.
You see, I had made a mistake (an honest one) but fixing it was going to make me stay about 30 extra minutes at work. I asked a coworker but when they weren’t willing I made them believe the boss wanted them to do it. In the end they had to stay and I was able to leave work on-time.
The next morning there were some bad feelings among my coworkers and the yard manager called a meeting to address the situation. I felt convicted and knew that I had to apologize and make things right. It’s very humbling to admit your mistakes and I realized that where I had gone wrong was thinking my things were more important than his. I also jeopardized my relationship with him. Through apologizing I found out that my coworker also had something important to do after work and his niece was left waiting for him for 30 minutes.
I wonder how many times I’ve justified my selfish actions by telling myself it’s more important or more urgent. If anything, I should have faith that God is in control of my situation and by following God’s commands to love God and love others, everything will work out. I hope that in the future I will always take responsibility for my actions.
I’m thankful for this opportunity to grow and learn from my mistakes.
Patience
I’ve been in a very difficult family situation for the past year but during this time I have chosen to be patient and trust God. In doing that God has given me the strength to bare the hurt and pain, and to overcome the fear and anxiety. Also, God has shone light into the dark places of myself and brought about healing that I didn’t even know I needed. I’ve been surrounded by Godly people who have encouraged, affirmed, and supported me. It seems I’m finally beginning to emerge on the other side of this desert place a new and improved version of myself. God has taught me so much through this trial and I’m so grateful for God’s love and faithfulness.
A couple of weeks ago I was dealing with some disappointment mixed in with some hope. As I sat fiddling with my ukulele before heading out to set up the projector at the church plaza words came to me to describe how I was feeling. And as I think about how differently I would have handled this in the past I am thankful for the progress and healing that becomes apparent.
So here is the little song I wrote.
Patience
Sitting around don’t know what to do,
Just thinking about how much I miss you.
Can’t wait for the days when I see you again,
When will all of this craziness end?
Remember building a treehouse out in the back,
Going to church don’t forget to bring snacks,
Singing along as I play my guitar,
Riding our bikes, yeah we rode so far.
Everyday I wait for you.
Everyday say a prayer for you.
God give me the strength to make it through the night,
And guide my feet with Your loving light.
Your smile reminds me of God’s true love,
Even when life puts on boxing gloves.
I’m thankful that even in sadness and pain,
I’m given the patience to wait out the rain.
What Does It Take To Have Faith?
I was thinking the other day about the faith of Jesus’ disciples. Today, when someone hears the Gospel story, they hear the whole thing. They hear of Jesus’ miraculous birth, His resistance of temptation, the miracles that He performed, and His death, resurrection, and ascension. They are also shown the fulfillment of the scriptures regarding His coming. A very persuasive story that Jesus is the Messiah. But the disciples had none of that. They might of heard of a virgin from Nazareth giving birth but would have no way of knowing if Jesus was that child. They witnessed Him performing miracles, but He was not the only one doing that. They even performed some themselves. And they couldn’t even understand when He told them about his eventual death and resurrection. No, those twelve guys could have very well been following an imposter. We know from the Bible that His miracles were almost always met with astonishment from His disciples. Even when He did something that He’d already done before (e.g. raising the dead, feeding the multitudes). The only one who expected miracles of Him was His mother. So it must have been hard for them to keep following Him. To not just go back to their old lives where they knew what to expect.
I had often thought that if I had lived back then I would have followed Him with no doubts. But now I think that is misguided. It’s more accurate to say if I had lived back then, knowing what I know now, that I would follow Him with no doubts.
So why is it so hard for us (believers) to put complete trust in Him now? We see the evidence. We know how He defeated sin and death. We confess that He is the Messiah, the Son of God. But we still worry about the future. We still cry out “why won’t you help me?” when we don’t see an answer to our prayers. We still let opportunities to tell others about Him pass by because we’re worried about what they might think of us. I hope for the faith of the disciples. To wake up every morning choosing to follow Him even though I don’t know what the future will bring. Even though I know it will make me look like a fool to some. Even though I have questions upon questions regarding His will and where He has led me. Even though sometimes it is scary. He has called us to follow Him just like He called the disciples. So let’s put down our nets and leave our boats on the shore.
It Doesn’t Happen Overnight
I can remember as a kid wishing that I was older. Being older brought privileges and rights that I thought would make my life more fun or better. I could stay up later, I could eat/drink what I wanted to, I could drive. Also, people couldn’t tell me what to do or what not to do, I would be free to do what I wanted.
It’s true that being older does bring about those freedoms, but here’s the thing…those freedoms are a result of growing and maturing over time. In the movie “Big” with Tom Hanks, a young kids wishes to be older after he’s told he’s not big enough for a ride at the fair. When he is granted his wish, the ensuing comedy is a hilarious depiction of what can go wrong when you’re not prepared for those freedoms.
Childhood can be a difficult time but the lessons we learn and the patience and self-control that we gain help us to be responsible with the freedoms that come with age. It comes gradually over many years and often with many tears. It’s just not reasonable to expect a young person to know how to behave as an adult.
The same thing goes for our spiritual lives and calling. God has a plan and purpose for us but we have to be prepared and equipped with spiritual maturity to fulfil that calling. When we seek God and his plan the enemy attacks over and over again to distract, divert, and destroy us. But the journey toward God’s calling helps us to become who we are supposed to be. We learn self-control to resist temptation. We learn patience to wait on God’s timing. We learn to recognize God’s voice to distinguish truth from lies. We learn trust to depend on God fully. Sometimes it comes gradually over many years and often with many tears. But when you put in the time and work you can rest assured that what comes next will be more fun and better.
So remember, when you’re going through a difficult time, God is preparing you for the tasks ahead. He is teaching you all the skills you need to fulfil His calling and building your character to endure whatever the enemy throws your way.
3 Not only this, but we also rejoice in sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance, character, and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4
Chei Knees 